Toddlers mimic parents, but distraction works great in those early years to help them forget bad habits. For example, I hit my hand against the table when I was upset and Daniel walked right over and smacked his hand against the table too. We then played a clapping game and he hasn't smacked the table since. There is a lot of parenting forgiveness in the toddler years, which is so so necessary and freeing since I make so many mistakes daily!
Not now I also have a preschooler watching everything I do, even if he appears to be otherwise engaged. His eyes are peeled on his iPad but he still sees me nudge the cat out of the way with my foot. So he begins to follow the cat around nudging him with his foot. I have a bad temper and Jack is beginning to take on some of my least attractive traits. We both have these massive sighs of frustration that are usually directed at an individual who is not doing what we want. I sigh when the boys don't pick up their toys as quickly as I want. Jackson sighs when I tell him he cannot have more chocolate. I hear myself through him and I know I need to teach him not to react to things how I react. But he H's a much larger memory capacity now and he is not so easily distracted. It takes months of me purposefully not doing an action for him to forget it and move on. He may not hear my frustrated sigh for two weeks but he still does it. It is so much harder to in teach preschoolers things than to teach them.
So I have become so much more aware of myself and my actions. This is by no means a negative place to be. It is a big ole rear-kicking, humility building, son-stamping-out exercise and I am becoming a much better person by having the eyes and ears of my littles following me day by day. But it is draining. It is compelling. It is convicting. It is so difficult to keep in step!
Today I had a pretty rough day. I have begun to limit our screen time much more since Daniel is so much more interested in it now. So we didn't have any screens for the morning and we played with our favorites toys: Legos, marbles, and puzzles. But brothers will be brothers and fighting occurred and back talk from the preschooler occurred when I gave some directions. Time out was issued and more back talk so I yelled. This is one of my ugliest traits. I get angry quickly and escalate to yelling. I have been much more conscious of my telling and try to reserve it for dangerous situations, but today I was tired and had already told Jackson to be quiet in time out several times. So I yelled. It hurt his feelings. He knew he was in trouble. He is a tender spirit (just like me) and this shook him. He began to cry from emotional pain like he hasn't done in months. We had such a great stretch and I ruined it with one moment of impatience.
Thankfully, God gives us chance after chance to better ourselves and become more Spirit-filled. Children are also much more forgiving than adults. Jackson accepted my hugs and kisses and apology and after some good snuggles to mend his hurt heart we were back on track. We played more games and had lots of laughs, but I am so ashamed at having lost my temper. Today I broke my child's spirit just a little and I hope I will do better next time. Because if I don't then it will become a habit and someday (all too soon) he will decide not to forgive me and our relationship will change forever and it will be too late for me to change my attitude.
About 13.5 hours of the day I have little eyes and ears on me. I am the biggest part of my children's world at this point. They look to me to understand the world and find their place in it. They learn their words and actions from me. I hope they will see a human who is humble and helping and kind. I would not say those words describe me yet, but I am hopefully I will get there.
For those little eyes and ears... And for myself.
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