His Needs

When you're 3.5-years-old you have a lot of needs. You need to be listened to when you are telling the same story for the umpteenth time so that your imagination and language skills continue to grow. You need to receive patience when you make a mistake so you know that love is unconditional. You need to know where your [insert completely random and strange object here] is so you have security and reassurance. You need hugs and kisses after being punished so you are not afraid of getting in trouble. 

You need me. Your Mumma. 

Overall, I feel like I do a pretty good job of giving my time and attention to the boys. I play with the toys they bring me, I participate in their toddler games that make zero sense, and I listen to their babbling that sometimes I can't even understand. I smile at their creations and praise their imaginations. I love to give them hugs and kisses a plenty.

But sometimes I do just want my own personal space. 

Both my boys are snugglers and I am so glad they are. But sometimes I find myself pushing them over to the next couch cushion and building them pillow forts to replace my lap. I just needed some space without anyone touching me. Recently, Jackson has been waking up and coming and crawling up next to me in bed in the mornings. He doesn't want to go back to sleep, he just wants to snuggle a bit. We co-slept since he was an infant until after age 2. Sometimes I do miss having a little snuggly buddy next to me at night. Eventually, Daniel would wake up and want to nurse so I would ask Jackson to scootch over. He would get agitated and grunt and love closer to me, so I would push him over a little and settle Daniel in between us to nurse. Jackson snuggles with Daniel too, but he began having bad mornings on these days. He would be more obstinate, be a poor listener, and be more prone to yelling or having a meltdown. Since he has been going through a rough phase I didn't think much of it and continued to try to guide him into proper behavior as ever. 

Then I realized: snuggling with Mumma in the morning is a NEED of his right now. 

When I pushed him away he felt rejected. When I pushed him away he felt like his brother was more important than he. When I pushed him away his calming morning routine was disrupted. 

So I began hugging him extra tight in the morning and whispering to him just how much I love him. I began keeping an arm around him even if I had to nurse his brother and had to move Jackson to the other side of me first. I began to stop feeling rushed to get out of bed and get going in the morning. I just spent a couple extra minutes loving on my boy and meeting his needs. 

You know what happened? He had better mornings! He was more joy-filled and played more gently and shared more willingly. He was more receptive to things I said and a much better helper. We had fun together and neither of us had to yell and it was a much more harmonious morning. 

It still amazes me that Jackson falls asleep in his own bed without me lying next to him and stays in bed all night long. It was a long road to get there, but we finally got past needing Mumma close by and waking multiple times at night. But with how long it took for him to stay in his own bed, it shouldn't surprise me that he needs a little comfort first thing in the morning. He just needs to know that I am there. He just needs to know that I still love him. 

I hear you, little man. I see you. You need me. I want to be there for you. 

I love you, Jackson.