10 Years

Yesterday, December 20, 2014, was the 10th anniversary of when Matt officially asked me to be his girlfriend. 

This was December 19, 2004 at my extended family Christmas party. For whatever reason I don't have any pictures from the next day. Look at that low resolution (this was film!) and how dark the picture is! I lightened it when I first scanned it onto the computer and again with the diptic app just now. 

In high school (actually, for my entire life) I was what you could call "boy crazy". I always had a crush on a boy (literally beginning in my 2s and 3s Sunday School class) and made up scenarios I my head where we would date exclusively our entire lives and then get married. I would fall fast and hard, flirt obnoxiously (you don't even know just how obnoxiously), and then be heartbroken when my feelings weren't reciprocated. It got worse as I got older because my friends started to date (and usually the guys I was interested in to add insult to injury). I developed super low self esteem (still struggle with that and thankfully Matt observed all of this firsthand so he understands) but still desperately wanted a boyfriend so I continued my unsuccessful flirting habits (they mostly drove guys away) and watched as my "pretty and nice" friends got hunky boyfriends and got kissed and seemed to have oh so perfect love lives (all of this in high school, so as you can imagine, not many of these relationships lasted). I wrote many diaries and many sappy love songs and many "novels" (what a guy friends called my multiple page long notes I would pass to them at school. I wonder if they ever actually read them?) trying to figure out just exactly what it was I was doing wrong. I thought I wasn't as pretty as the other girls. I thought I wasn't as funny as the other girls. I thought I wasn't as sexy (the Baptist-school-girl-virgin-lips-but-still-wears-low-rise-jeans version of sexy) as the other girls. I thought I was too annoying but didn't know how to fix it (ok, this one was probably true). All I wanted was a boyfriend... Who would kiss me... And marry me someday (think I scared them away with my "let's get married!" mindset?). 

Then I met Matt. 

We had gone to the same school for 12 years. He was a grade older than I. We never really knew each other and never really wanted to know each other. I actually had one of my most obnoxious crushes on his best friend (who was the best man in our wedding) in junior high, so Matt had a front row seat to all of my craziness. But my junior year/his senior year we were in the chorale together and were next to each other for practices and concerts. I knew he was way out of my league and would never possibly be interested in me, so the pressure was off! I could be myself (which I now realize I was not when trying to flirt with all the other boys I crushed on, I tried to be who they might find attractive. They saw right through me). We hit it off and developed a quirky friendship (if only you knew the degree our dorkness comes out. We really bring the dork out of each other). To keep things short: we grew crushes (pretty evenly, although from the start I thought I was going to marry him and he [being far more level headed] wasn't thinking of marriage from that first "hey! I like her"), we hung out, he went away to college, I visited him at college, over Christmas break he asked me to e his girlfriend. 

Now, backing up a bit, I had boyfriends... They just weren't the boyfriends I wanted. Ever. (I really, really hope none of them stumble upon this. If you do, I'm sorry) Guys would be interested in me and I considered them to be "lower class" socially. I wanted guys who were A-list, and these guys were C-list. I don't know what list I was on, but back then I thought I was solidly B-list. I would find out a guy was interested in me and I would cringe and think, "Is this the best I can do? Seriously?" But (my shallow side here) any boyfriend is better than no boyfriend, right? These relationships didn't last long. Usually I would get sick of pretending or they wanted to start holding hands or something and I wasn't all about that. 

Then there were the guys who would tease me. I don't know why, but it was both good and bad at the time. These guys would take me on dates (notice, plural) and string me along, but then suddenly be dating someone else. They drive, they pay, they initiated hand holding. Then the next day (literally) my best friend is telling me she's so excited because so-and-so asked her out. Oh yeah, they wanted to keep our dates hush hush (why didn't this bother me then? I thought it was romantic? I swear I wasn't stupid... Just desperate. How depressing). Sometimes these guys would still take me out and hold my hand while dating my friend. Yeah, they were excellent boyfriends and I was an excellent friend. 

But Matt was my first serious boyfriend. Obviously he ended up being my first and only long term relationship, but more than that. Since he was away at college we had to talk on the phone or email. He was 800 miles away so it wasn't convenient to meet halfway or for us to visit over weekends. So we talked and in the process learned a lot about each other. I discovered I could be totally myself with him (which I have never had with a guy before, I was always on my guard to be "cool" and say the right thing). There was such a level of intimacy in our phone calls and so much patience needed because sometimes our schedules didn't work out to talk when one of us needed to talk. I felt like the relationship was very serious very quickly just because of the strong communication. 

Matt was (and still is) definitely A-list. I think I married up. The best part? He thinks he married up! We're both very certain of the fact that the other is more intelligent and good looking etc than ourselves. 

December 20, 2004. I was taken off the market and finally had a (real) boyfriend. That night he also gave me my first kiss (which is another story... Let's just say it's amazing he stayed with me because I was not such a great kisser at first! I was frozen by my nerves). I finally had all that I had ever wanted... and he didn't disappoint at all. He was well worth the wait and he made all those A-list boys from my class look like little, immature children. I was so thankful that I hadn't just been one of the many girls on so-and-so's ex-girlfriend roster. While I did have baggage of low self esteem to bring into the relationship, I didn't have much relationship baggage to bring with me (there was one that took awhile for me to move past, but he and I never dated. Another post for another day). I could start fresh and clean with Matt with no hesitations and no regrets from the past. 

We have been together for 10 years. In that time Matt has helped me become the woman I am today, who is a far (FAR) better person than the high school version of myself (not just in the ways age matures people). Matt had helped me accept myself, which had made me more confident. I am now more open, more honest, and more loving because I am not so guarded all the time. I embrace who I am, even the silly parts like that The Backstreet Boys are my favorite music group (I never would admit to that before and pretended to like Earth, Wind, and Fire like all the boys... Even though I never heard any of their music!). Matt loves me for who I am and not who I try to be for him. He has shown me grace and patience and mercy. He has made me laugh like I've never laughed in my life (I didn't even know that kind of laughter was possible and he does it often). He calls me out when I'm being irresponsible and ridiculous. He helps me find my way when I am confused. He wants the best for me. 

I was so sad and so miserable because no one wanted to date me and that must mean something was wrong with me. Then we found each other and life was perfect. Ten years later here we are. 

I don't belittle my teenage feelings and emotions. I think most girls feel the same way I did (even the popular, A-list, girlfriends of all the boys I crushed on girls). We were teenage girls! Overly emotional and irrational kind of come with the territory. But now, I am so thankful I didn't have that baggage to bring into this relationship. Matt was the perfect boyfriend for me and I am so thankful he will be my boyfriend for the rest of eternity (sappy sap sap sap). We don't always get along and we certainly know how to frustrate the other, but he also brings out the very best in me and helps me to continue to become a better person. I hope I enrich him in the same way. 

Here's to another 10 years, and another, and another, etc etc.