My Sleepless Nights

I have had 3.5 years worth of sleepless nights. It began with my pregnancy with Jackson when he thought nighttime was daytime. Then he woke up every couple hours to eat for his first year. Then he had bad dreams and night terrors. Then he was so used to sleeping with me that he wouldn't sleep in his crib. Then he would start to sleep in his crib but would wake up and realize I wasn't there and cry. All this time still waking up to eat at least once. By the time he was sleeping almost entirely through the night, I was pregnant again with leg cramps and insomnia. Jackson still crawls into my bed during the night. Daniel teased me with 12 hour nights his first few months. Then he would wake up 1-2 times to eat. Teething has given him restless sleep and he wakes 3-5 times a night and starts his days early (but at least happy). 

So I have sleepless nights. I don't think I have fallen asleep for the night and slept until I've naturally woken up (or even been woken up by the boys at a normal hour) since before my first pregnancy. That is a long time of interrupted sleep. 

But for the most part it has been such a blessing.

My boys both love me desperately. They feel confident in their relationship with me. They feel safe with me. They are both snugglers. Sometimes they are afraid. Sometimes they are confused. Sometimes they feel hurt. During those times (especially at night) I want to make myself readily available to them. What is sleep compared with knowing my boys feel secure and happy? 

When the boys take awhile to fall asleep or settle back down after a bad dream, I use that time to pray for them. I pray for their current rest, I pray for their safety through childhood, I pray for protection around them in this world, I pray for patience and grace for me as I parent, I pray they will make good choices, I pray they will seek God always and not wander, I pray for their relationship as brothers, I pray for their future spouses, and I pray for so much more. What a blessing to have time to specifically pray for big and little details of their lives. 

When the boys are crying and not fully awake, what a joy it is for them to relax and have peace as soon as I am there. Jackson curls up next to me and pulls my arms around him. He throws his arm around my neck and clutches me close. If I try to get up too soon he sleepily signs "please" or quietly says "come back" and I can't deny him more snuggles. Daniel usually lays his head down on my left shoulder when I pick him up from his crib. Sometimes he'll laugh or smile in his sleepy haze and that just melts my heart. His happiness is so full just by being snuggled. 

My boys are still little children. Two and a half years old and seven months old. Both babies. Their limited understanding of the world tells them that they want Mumma and they want her now. What do they think when I don't go to them right away? What do they think if I act out of frustration instead of out of patience? What do they feel if I distance myself when trying to get them back to sleep? 

I'm not sure how they feel and I doubt they'll remember later and be able to tell me. We don't use the Cry It Out method for sleep. I have tried a "tough love" kind of sleep training for Jackson, but it wasn't for us. I would sit on his bed and tell him to go to sleep and lay him back down when he sat up (as opposed to lying next to him until he fell asleep). Each time he would just sit up again and reach for me. He wouldn't try to climb out of bed. He wouldn't want to leave or play. He simply wanted me, his Mumma. He was always persistent and didn't understand why I wouldn't lay down with him. Eventually he lay down, but kept reaching for me. He won every time and received more hugs and reassurance that Mumma was there for him. 

What is an hour of my time to snuggle with my boys compared to my personal sleep? These moments are fleeting. I want my boys to feel safe and secure in their sleep. I want them to have peace and rest. So my sleepless nights are worth it.