06.07.08
Photo credit: Jon McGehee
More and more of my friends have been getting divorced. Some of these relationships I never understood and it isn't surprising that they did not end well. Some of these marriages failed because the individuals became lazy and stopped caring about the relationship maintenance. Then some will probably always remain a mystery to me because it seems like the individuals were "meant for each other" and I (and they) don't understand what happened and what went wrong. Whatever the situation, it makes me incredibly sad. I am sad for those who have broken hearts, I am sad for those who have broken relationships, I am sad for those who have become hardened, I am sad for the love that has been lost.
Watching so many friends live post marriage has made me realize just how special my marriage is. I admit, often life feels "normal" and that (to me) means I take it for granted.
December 19, 2004: my extended family Christmas party. The day before we officially started dating.
I take being married for granted, because we have been married for six years and have been dating for almost ten years. I take kissing each other good night for granted, because we've done it so many times I don't need to every night. I take saying "I love you" for granted, because it's just a known and therefore doesn't need to be stated (oh, but it does!). I take having a partner in life (the good, the bad, and the I-don't-think-I-can-make-it-through-this-day) for granted, because "he's always there"; which is kind of the point.
I take him going to work so I can stay home with our boys for granted. I take him being able to make me laugh so hard I become unintelligible and make a huge makeup mess of my face for granted. I take similar interests in movies and books for granted. I take having someone to argue with for granted.
Photo credit: Jon McGehee
06.07.08 our wedding day
I had planned I write a post on our love story because it's hard to believe we actually ended up together. But the little steps that led to our relationship sound very "high school" when written down (because we were in high school). So it isn't a very interesting read. But writing a post about our love now, possibly could be even more boring. See, we have fallen into the rut of the "familiar". Not in an our-life-is-boring-we-don't-love-each-other-anymore kind of way. In an our-life-is-pretty-complete-we're-comfortable kind of way. Not much adventure. Not many exciting stories to tell. We just live, day in and day out, and it is very familiar.
Photo credit: Jon McGehee
Today. July 6, 2014. Family of four.
I do remind myself how very good I have it. Yes, we argue. Yes, we hurt each other's feelings. Yes, we get {very} frustrated with each other. But we never doubt our marriage. We never doubt that we love each other, even if we don't like each other very much in the moment. We never consider walking out. That thought doesn't even cross our minds. It seems very foreign and not even a possibility. I am literally shaking my head as I write this because I cannot imagine getting to the point where I want to be apart from Matt. We do not have a perfect marriage and we do not have a perfect relationship. We are not happy all the time and we know how to press each other's buttons worse than siblings. We know the very worst about each other and have probably said some of the rudest, most hateful things to each other that we've ever said to anyone.
But we are solid.
We have a firm foundation for our marriage which is the same firm foundation we have for our lives. We joined together in the presence of God and He is the third strand to our cord. He keeps us accountable and swells or hearts with love for each other when we are frustrated and angry. He shows us how to forgive. He calms our hearts. He is our foundation.
We had a solid friendship before we even became interested in each other. We were very much not friends before the 03-04 school year. We didn't dislike each other, we just had no reason to know each other and so we didn't. That school year we were in the same choir and were next to each other in the seating arrangement. That meant a year full of practices, concerts, and a overseas spring break trip where we would be literally right next to each other. We hit it off pretty quickly with some of our quirkier habits and our friendship grew. A few months later we became interested in each other. When Matt went away to college we relied on emails and hours of phone calls to learn more about each other. We became best friends and began dating. We didn't begin our friendship with marriage in mind (like so many of my friends who met their spouse/ex-spouse in college or after), but rather we became friends and it developed into something much stronger.
We value the commitment to marriage. We have had some major struggles in our marriage. Some that had the potential to drive mountains between us and even end our marriage. It has never come close to that point though. When an issue has arisen we have (eventually) reached a compromise based on what's best for our family. We have had to put our selfish desires aside for the good of our family. No, this isn't an immediate reaction to crisis. Sometimes we look for loopholes so we can get our own way. Sometimes we remain selfishly settled in our thinking until our guilty conscience grows too strong to ignore. But we have never allowed ourselves to put ourselves as individuals before our marriage. It really is a heart issue. We are committed to each other and we entered marriage thinking that divorce wasn't an option. Period.
I am not writing this to shame my friends who have gotten divorced. I know there are two people in each relationship and a person can only control themselves. Relationships take a lot of work and maintenance and if both involved are not diligent then slopes become slippery and one thing leads to another etc. etc. etc. So this is not a "how to" on marriage. This is my grateful heart reviewing my marriage.
I have a wonderful husband. He is truly my best friend on this earth. He has seen the absolute worst sides of me and had had to put up with more crap from me than anyone else. He is patient with me and loyal to me and understanding of me.
Especially now that we have two kids {who keep me very busy}, I appreciate his presence so much more. He is actively involved in their lives. He gives me a break on long days so I can have some alone time when I need to recharge. He helps to change diapers and feed the boys. He helps me figure out parenthood. He is the best Daddy to our boys and it is an honor to partner with him.
I think of my friends who no longer have that best friend who is always readily available. I think of friends who had to return to work. I think of friends who come home to an empty house or to kids who need everything a parent has to offer (and seem to need even more when you feel you have nothing left to give). I think of friends who don't have someone to encourage them and help them in the big and small tasks of the everyday. I think of friends who must feel so alone after having that space in life filled.
I take my husband for granted because our life seems so "normal". But I am beginning to realize that our relationship is not normal at all. It is exceptional. It is rare. It is precious. I need to cherish it for the true gift that it is. I need to appreciate it. I need to be thankful for the fullness that comes with a life of love.
Love is not "normal" to experience, and yet it is one of the most "normal" things on the world. We need more love in the world.
I take my wedding vows seriously. I am privileged to have someone to have and to hold. I promise to never let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment