Sensitivities

I am a pretty sensitive person. Ok. I am a very sensitive person. No, this is not one of my better qualities, but unfortunately I don't think there is much I can do about it. I will probably always feel things deeply and show emotion. What I can do {and what I am striving hard at} is work on my reactions, my thoughts, and my rambling tongue. 

Pregnancy does stranger things to me. The extra hormones certainly are not my friend. Mood swings galore! Daniel is turning 3 months old this weekend so I don't think I can justly blame my moodiness on my post partum recovery. Or can I? I mean, how long does it take my hormones to even out and normalize? Or will they ever? Or was I like this before pregnancy? I don't even remember. Either way, I have been extremely hormonal, lots of highs and lows with literally seconds between. Super fun for Matt to deal with. 

So I was having a day and Matt and I got into a bickering match. One of the things he brought to my attention is how I often share with him negative news, whether that be actual news stories or the latest with our family and friends. He doesn't want to hear all the negative. I was furious at this, but I realized that I may not actually be upset at what he was saying. I felt like he was attacking me and being unfair, I felt like he was trying to hurt me, I felt like bursting into tears. Yeah, probably hormones and not the actual argument. So I walked away to calm down and rock my baby. Hours later I still thought that was our "worst fight" because I felt like crying, but it wasn't even really a fight. So definitely hormones. 

Now that it's a new day I've been able to evaluate my thoughts and feelings and speech. I am a sensitive person. I take a lot of things personally that aren't intended to be hurtful to me at all. My head tells me that I am reading into situations that arise but my heart still is hurt. It is quite annoying and no matter what I try to do I can't stop my heart from feeling let down and hurt. But then it is my choice what to do from there. Am I going to dwell on the hurt for days and days? Am I going to search for further evidence to strengthen my feelings? Am I going to hold a grudge against the other parties involved? Am I going to complain to Matt or my friends? These are the areas I am [unsuccessfully] working on fixing. It is slow progress. 

There is nothing wrong with being a sensitive person. I get plenty of emotional release, which helps to maintain overall emotional health. I cry or hold back tears every day from books I read, articles I read, TV shows, commercials, pictures, or just being with my boys. Sometimes I cry when my feelings get hurt even if I know I'm over reacting. I am thankful I am sensitive. It allows me to empathize. It allows me to be open to others. While I feel pain deeply, I can also love deeply. It has built strong, solid friendships because I am deeply invested and too stubborn to give up the relationship. I like being sensitive. 

But then I will get stuck on something silly and my mind will create why's for all situations. I will wonder why someone did or didn't do something. I will wonder why I wasn't included in a get together. I will wonder why my calls/texts aren't answered. I will wonder why I'm not mentioned. I will wonder why I'm not good enough. 

All because of something that is usually posted on Facebook (the great communicator) that had absolutely nothing to do with me. But I make it about me. Well, sometimes it does have to do with me, but not in the negative ways I imagine. Basically my imagination gets the best of me. Or I think people are thinking of me way more than they do. Actually, I know I think people think about me more than they do. That's another issue I need to work on. 

So I am sensitive and I share my grievances with Matt. My grievances about my family/friends. My grievances about the world. My grievances about my TV shows. Some big, some small. Some serious, some ridiculous. But it all runs together when I babble {as women often do}. So I have been trying to get a better hold of myself, to banish negative thoughts when they arise, and to keep my negative stories to myself. It is not easy and I have had to literally catch myself and stop mid sentence when I ramble. But maybe it will help make me a happier person. 

"Comparison is the thief of joy." It is so true. Often my sensitivities are awakened by my comparison of myself to others, whether I think of myself more highly or lowly. I need to just worry about myself and be happy with who I am and what I have. At the very least I am a wife and mother and have the pleasure of serving my three men every day. It truly is a pleasure because it brings them joy and that brings me joy. 

If you are sensitive, like me, have hope! Allow yourself to feel deeply. Do not hold it in and do not withdraw. Embrace your sensitive nature and grow in love as you turn away from the negative.