A Mother's Love

I took this a couple days ago when Jackson woke up from his nap and came and crawled up next to me on the couch. I had literally just rolled over to try to take a nap myself because Daniel has just fallen asleep. 

Oh, my sweet, firstborn son. While I have been loving our little family of four and have so enjoyed watching my two boys interact with each other, my heart does ache for the loss of my relationship with Jackson. Before Daniel was born Jackson and I spent every single day together. Matt was gone for training for 6 months and then he was very busy for the next 7 months with school. Jackson and I were best buds and were together almost 24/7 since he coslept with me. I was able to give him my full attention. I was able to laugh and play with him and do pretty much anything he wanted. I knew him so well and could sense his needs and wants before he voiced them. 

He has done so incredibly well with Daniel. He hasn't been jealous of my attention. He hasn't hurt the baby or wanted the baby to go away. He has loved the baby and continues to love me, which was a big concern. I was worried he would be angry at me and no longer want hugs and snuggles from me. He has transitioned so well and for that I am very thankful. 

But I do miss being able to spend time with just him. I try to soak up the time I can give him my full attention when Daniel naps. It makes me sad when I need to tell Jackson to be quieter when he's playing so he doesn't scare Daniel. I feel guilty when Jackson has to wait for his lunch or snack or a hug when I'm busy feeding Daniel, thankfully Daniel eats quickly. I hate that I don't always have enough energy to play the games Jackson wants to play or to go outside with him every time he wants because I just need to lie on the couch and rest. I don't like having to shut the door in Jackson's face when I'm putting Daniel to sleep, even though I know Jackson will just go play with Daddy. 

I love both my boys, but I have never had a relationship with Daniel without Jackson (and I pray I never do). I have had a relationship with Jackson on his own and I miss that. I am thankful that Daniel has an early bedtime so I have a couple hours to play with Jackson and to snuggle him to sleep without distractions. My sweet, firstborn. There is nothing quite like a mother's love for her firstborn child. Not stronger than for her other children, but unique and different (as will her love be for all her children).