Normally I put Daniel to bed between 7-7:30 so that I'm freed up to out Jackson to bed between 8:30-9:30 (yes, we're up to 9:30 most nights! It is a miracle and I'm hoping his bedtime can get moved up to 8 permanently). Tonight, however, Daddy and I wanted to catch up on one more episode of 24 (we're a bit behind). When the episode was over I noticed it was almost 8:00! Whoops! Time to get Daniel to bed. I rock him, but he seems wide awake and staring all over the room. I put him in his crib with his paci and try to put Jackson to bed. Of course, Daniel fusses after a few minutes. daddy watches Daniel while I try to get Jackson to sleep. Jackson is almost asleep when Daddy peeks in and says Daniel is hungry. I tell Jackson to go night-night and stay in bed. I kiss him, tuck him in, and go into the nursery to feed the baby.
Not surprisingly, a few minutes later Jackson peeks out from behind his door at me. I tell him to get back in bed a couple times and he just stands there peering at me. I can tell he's tired and doesn't want to keep playing (which is great seeing as how he used to go to bed regularly at 11 before we went to Michigan). He ran into the living room and then slowly came over to the nursery and peeked around the doorframe. I could see the timidity in his eyes.
That's when it hit me. It hit my heart.
My oldest just wanted to snuggle with him Mumma but he was too timid to come to me because he is used to being scolded when he gets our of bed. My boy who up until 2 months ago had Mumma available to him almost 24/7 was now used to sharing her attentions and having his needs go unmet at times.
My heart. It hurt. It plummeted. It scolded me as a parent just as I often scold Jackson for getting out of bed.
See, the cry it out method is not for me. I don't think there is anything wrong with it for some people but it is most definitely not the right method for my babies and I. I made myself entirely available for Jackson in his first two years. I soothed his pains and calmed his fears and snuggled him to sleep. Jackson and I coslept in the same bed for most of his first two years and the transition to get him in his own bed was long and involved me sleeping on his little crib mattress with him at times. So with that being our story, it is unsurprising that he still needs me to snuggle him to sleep, though it is getting better slowly.
Tonight I had to leave Jackson seemingly suddenly. He was calming down and falling asleep when my warm presence was suddenly missing. When the arm he held for comfort was suddenly withdrawn. Not only was I not there for him, but also he saw that I WAS there for the baby. The baby who is so often in Mumma's arms so she can't hold Jackson. The baby who needs to be fed so Jackson has to wait for a snack or to go upstairs or to go outside. The baby who seems to take precedence over Jackson because he is more reliant on Mumma. He saw me with the baby and he was timid to approach me. He knew he was supposed to be in bed, he even took a step back towards bed when he first saw me. But he longed for his Mumma. He longed for snuggles and security.
My heart melted. I decided to seize the moment. I smiled at him and welcomed him to come rock with the baby and me. He ran to the rocker and climbed up. He snuggled in against me while I finished feeding the baby. I hugged his little face with my free arm and he just lay his head in my elbow.
I do not want my children to be timid to approach me ever. When they are naughty, when they need help, when they are hurt, when they are scared. No matter what the situation I want them to know they can always come to their Mumma. I will always be there for them and they will always be welcome.
I have been more strict with Jackson since Daniel was born, more harsh. In some ways this will remain the same because he is getting older and understanding more so he can be more responsible and be disciplined when he is naughty. But in other ways this will be changing. While he does need to stay on schedule at bedtime and he does need to learn to stay in bed even if I am not there, he will not be scolded. He is a little boy and his world has drastically changed in the past two months. He was used to the world revolving around him. Now he gets less than half of my attention. When he needs a little more reassurance, a little more love, then I will be more than happy to give it to him.
I make mistakes as a parent, but I try to learn from them. Tonight I learned that you can never show your child too much patience and too much affection. Once Daniel was asleep in his crib I rocked Jackson for a couple minutes then carried him back to bed. I lay next to him for just a couple minutes and he fell asleep. He was a little later than his bedtime but he still was asleep before 10. A little patience, a little extra snuggles, a little longer with Mumma and he is sleeping soundly.
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