But I have never been a mom to Daniel at 2.5 months old before. That can be my excuse, right? Or maybe this is how all moms are with every child. Well, no, I know some moms aren't like this. Maybe this is just how moms-who-happen-to-be-similar-to-me-are-when-their-two-month old-second-child-whimpers-in-his-sleep react. Please tell me this is normal?
I had been given the gift of time tonight. Daniel was in bed by 7:40 (on schedule), Daddy was in bed by 9:00 (on schedule), and Jackson was in bed by 9:15 (ahead of schedule!). Celebration time! We're slowly moving Jackson's bedtime in the right direction! So I ate a few (ok half the package) of my favorite Biscoff cookies (the kind Delta airlines serves! That's right, check out the international foods section at your grocery store) and read a couple chapters of my book and browsed Facebook for awhile. I get all ready for bed and I hear a noise on the baby monitor.
My ears were perked. My eyes were glued to the zoomed in screen. The sound was like a "yelp". We have said more than once that Daniel sounds like a little puppy or kitten when he whimpers or coos. This noise sounded like a sharp inhaling of breath, but baby-tized. It was not an appealing noise. It was not a noise I wanted to hear. It was certainly not a noise I wanted to be repeated over and over and over with what seemed like every other breath of Daniel's.
So I go to the nursery to check on him. He is asleep but his breathing is fast. His little fists are "rocking" (this movements that both boys do and I realized the other day as I was stretching, I do too). His head is slightly jerking and he's turning it from side to side. He isn't awake and doesn't appear to be waking up. He is most likely having an "active" dream. He isn't fully crying so it hopefully isn't a bad dream. I hope the nightmare and night terrors gene by-passes him for his sake. I rub his little back and rethink allowing him to sleep on his tummy.
Ok, Sidenote on that. I know we're told to put babies "back to sleep" and I get that. Both of my babies have far preferred sleeping in their tummies. My mom was told to put babies in their tummies to prevent SIDS. So this information is ever changing. I only ever out my babies on their tummies to sleep when they could easily move their heads if they got stuck. I watched them carefully to make sure that they would move their heads if they had difficulty breathing. During nap time I would wait to fix their heads if they put their face straight down into the mattress, but every time they would move it themselves even if they were asleep. So I don't feel too bad about putting my kids to sleep on their tummies (that is how I sleep so it is not surprising that my kids sleep that way too)... Except when they make strange, alarming noises in their sleep.
But Daniel didn't seem to be having difficulty breathing. Probably just a dream, like I said. When I touch him while he's sleeping he'll often be startled and cry or wake up. When I rubbed his back he didn't react hardly at all. His breathing did calm though. I stood there leaning on his crib and watched him very carefully. I was sure he was fine but I stayed there all the same. I just had to keep watching his little back go up and down with each breath and make sure that he wasn't going to be scared by whatever he was dreaming. Protective mother hen.
I told myself that he was fine. I told myself that Jackson made similar noises when he was a baby. I told myself that he probably makes that noise other times and I just miss it on the monitor or I'm already asleep. But I had to just keep standing there. I had to make sure he was ok.
Eventually I left so I could go to bed (yet in writing this post). Is this normal? I feel much more sleep deprived with two kiddos than I ever did with one, and Daniel sleeps like a dream! I can hardly believe how well he sleeps at night. He gives me good rest, yet I always feel tired. So is it normal to just stand there watching his breathing even when he's stopped making the noise? Is it normal to be so fearful for your child's life when he's sleeping? Is it normal to want to pick him up and sleep with him in the rocker just to make sure he's safe? Is it normal to be slightly afraid to go to sleep in case he isn't ok later but you're not there to help him? Because I am wrestling with that now.
While all moms of infants have a slight fear of SIDS, I feel like it is a very new mom fear. It diminishes with each child. But it is still very much alive in me. Maybe even more so because it's hard to imagine that two children will continue to grow healthy and happy (even though I have countless examples to the contrary). So I will be the somewhat seasoned mom who stands next to the crib for an hour checking her child's every breath. Because I've never been mother to Daniel at 2.5 months old.
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