When it comes to selfishness, I struggle with the same few things. Most of things stem back to comparison. Yup, the thief of joy. If I gave you specific examples you would think I was silly and over reacting and guess what? You would be right. But are struggles generally logical? Would it be a struggle if it were easy to look past, give up, or ignore? So my struggles (and probably yours too) are illogical and yes, that does drive me crazy. But it is what it is and I am actively working on it. But every once in awhile (and sometimes very frequently) I stew in my struggles and allow my selfish heart to mope.
Today I had a moment of selfishness. I had a moment where I wanted the world to revolve around me and for everyone to take notice ("I think I need a 'take notice walk'." < < < just a little Friends humor to lighten the mood). Now, that isn't actually true. I didn't want the whole world to revolve around me. I didn't even want everyone in my personal works to revolve around me. I just wanted a few very specific people to take notice of me and my life. Just for a moment, not even a whole day. Normally these moments are not isolated. There are a series of events that build upon each other and lead up to a grand moment of selfishness. Then I throw myself a mini pity party, sulk internally, sometimes include Matt in my woe-ness, and then move on. Not only did my ugly inner self show itself today, but also I was already having an overly emotional, weary day {see previous post}. So that heightened my sensitivities and probably escalated my build up if emotions more quickly than on an average day.
Am I making excuses? It sounds like I am. That is rather sad. I don't excuse myself for my moments of selfishness, even though I tell others it's ok for feel (oh gosh, that silly Frozen quote about feeling and concealing just popped into my head and I purposefully haven't even seen the dratted movie yet! I plan to soon though just to get it over with. And as I love Disney, musicals, and Idina I'll probably love it. Sigh). But for myself, I don't excuse my moments of selfishness because I know what the true issue is. Like I said, it is a heart issue and if you could see my heart during these moments you would see how incredibly ugly I can be.
So today I let my selfishness get the better of me. Today I allowed my heart to be discontented and jealous and angry and hurt. Today I took a step back (more like 50 steps back) for a moment and was the spoiled brat who thought she deserved everything back in high school. I could elaborate on that but then you tilt wouldn't ever want to be my friend. Yes, I was truly obnoxious and it is embarrassingly funny to think of it now. For those who knew me then and are still my friends, thank you for "doing life" with me and taking my worst self with my best self (which is still a great work in progress). I am sorry for what you had to put up with back then.
So, I don't know how to round up this entry. Basically, when you're feeling like you deserve people's attention and you get angry over it and think yourself better than others, write about it. You'll end up writing about what a horrible person you truly are at heart and it is incredibly humbling. And that is why I am thankful that I am not finished yet. God is constantly working in my heart and mind and I am growing day by day.
Sigh, it is now just past midnight and I have an early morning tomorrow. I have a baby shower to go to in the morning and both boys are coming with me. Getting myself and both of them ready takes so much longer than just myself or even myself and Jackson. But life with two boys is so fulfilling already. Even if it is stressful trying to leave the house!
Goodnight, sleep tight, hopefully my two little bed bugs continue to sleep soundly!
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