See, in high school I wanted so badly to be liked. Each year the people I wanted to be friends with changed, and so I changed. My tastes in music were "eclectic", which basically means nonexistent. My style was "average American teen", which translates into overpriced mall wear... Except when it was the "in" thing to shop at Goodwill. My interests were varied, of course, dependent on whomever I wanted to be friends with at the time. I tried to fit in, I tried to do what was popular, I tried to be a better version of myself.
I pretended not to care about my studies, until one day I truly didn't care and had to work extra hard to make up for that poor grade (but who needs chemistry anyways?). I made myself readily available for spur of the moment happenings, but sadly often didn't receive an invite. I stalked everyone's AIM away messages to see what they were doing and tried to do that sort of thing too. Are you ready for this one? I exaggerated non-school relationships to make it seem like I had much more of a life than I did to cover up embarrassment, disappointment, and hurt at not being included with my group of choice. Meaning- that kid I flirted with at summer camp and then we discovered we were from the same city so we should exchange screen names? Yeah, he became my boyfriend for a time. The kid from driver's ed who noticed me the last couple days and turned out to be surprisingly nice even though he was a popular public school football player? Yeah, he invited me to watch him play. Etc etc. Yes, seriously. I know, it's embarrassing.
I was a copycat. I was a chameleon. I was a wallflower. But whoever wanted a friend who was exactly just like them? Similar, yes, but not identical. I tried way too hard. I literally bought the same clothes and accessories as this one girl who I deemed popular. I bought cd's of groups I had never heard of because "everyone" loved those groups (at least I grew up listening to The Beatles so that wasn't a lie!). I ran out to buy books I heard people were reading so I could discuss them (ok, this one worked to my advantage because those individuals were older than me so when I got to their grade the teacher was impressed I had already read the books for that year). And then specifically for the guys I crushed on, I was flirty, I spent money on presents or candy for them, I wrote them long notes (as in multiple pages) ... and what teenage boy likes long notes? I even gave them advice on how to ask out the girls they were interested in. I mean, don't all the teen movies and books have the girl friend end up with the guy when he realizes how great she is and that she's truly his best friend. Yeah, dating doesn't really work that way in reality. I was trying so hard to fit in that I became boring with no individuality. People could see and who wants a boring friend/girlfriend?
So I did all of this for the sake of "popularity". And I was not popular. Well, not in the way I wanted to be at least. I didn't know who I was. I just knew that I wanted friends and a boyfriend. I hope to teach my children something I learned from those days (but I doubt boys will struggle with this as much as girls): making friends shouldn't be that hard, and a boyfriend/girlfriend isn't worth it.
I am so blessed to have a handful of friends from high school (actually I've known most of them since kindergarten) that I stay in close contact with and who are great sources of encouragement for me. I also met my husband in high school, so that period in my life wasn't all a wasted effort at being the faux Becca. But I actually owe most of the change from the pretend me to the "real me" to my high school sweetheart, now husband.
We became friends when he was a senior and I was a junior. Almost immediately there was a special chemistry between us (not the chemistry from earlier, wink). We flirted quite a bit and then I got my heartbroken. Not in a sappy high school way, but in a life shattering way. I knew there was something different this time and to have lost that... It crushed me. I spent the summer thinking over my life and what I wanted for the future. I entered my senior year changed and people noticed. Some of the people I bent over backwards to impress noticed I wasn't sucking up to them any longer and wanted to know what changed. I didn't give a detailed response, but just said I was done. I didn't want fake friendships and I didn't want to be hurt again. Matt wasn't looking for a girlfriend or even a friend when we started talking. I wasn't looking to impress him since I was pretty sure he thought I was obnoxious already (this makes me want to write a post on our story, coming soon!). But somehow our individual weirdness worked well together and the friendship was very natural. I saw a lot of qualities I wanted in him and then when it all fell apart I was broken. So I didn't want a meaningless relationship that lasted only a few months. I didn't want to be added to the list of girlfriends so-and-so had. It all was so clear. It was silly and petty and I just wanted to be myself.
But who was that? Long story short, throughout college I found out. I moved 800 miles away from home to attend the college of my choice (where Matt was also attending). I could start with a clean slate. Not knowing anyone I was able to discover things about myself that I never knew: I am an introvert, I do not like dance parties, I highly value my sleep, I care about fashion but not more than comfort, I wanted to be a stay at home mom and not a career journalist (my various blogs feed my writing itch), my faith was strengthened, and I had never truly laughed (discovered this with a really ridiculous laugh that only Matt can draw from me and I would be mortified if anyone else saw/heard... But it is pure joy released).
Do you know what happened then? I met friends! Really, truly great friends who liked me even though I wasn't mimicking their every move. More than that, the people I used to try to impress actually took notice of me. I became interesting because I became real. I grew in confidence. I knew what I liked and what I disliked and that made having a opinion so much easier than trying to say what I thought others wanted to hear. I developed goals and pursued them and so far in my almost 27 years I have fulfilled them or am at least working towards their fulfillment. I was so distracted before that goals were often pushed to the side or disregarded entirely.
Now I am a stronger person. I am a happier person. That confidence I mentioned? It made me more honest. It made me wittier. It made me funnier. All that helps make me a more enjoyable person to be around, which makes people like me more. Imagine that! People like when others are themselves! I can't speak for everyone, but even if I don't like an individual my dislike grows significantly if their interests/activities are a show to gain attention or make friends. I have a specific friend who does this and everyone knows, and that's why people don't particularly like her. She doesn't see it. I am so thankful I don't walk around like her anymore, it is a miserable existence.
I wanted to write this because Matt and I were talking about people changing to please others. I asked him if he thought I changed my interests for him and he just laughed. I realized how silly that was of me to ask. See, Matt and I do have some similar interests, especially our faith, theology, and parenting style. But our interests that are different are very different, we annoy the crap out of each other actually. His videogames instantly put me in a bad mood. Every. Single. One. Of. Them. He can't stand most of my TV shows and hates when I talk about them like the characters are my real life friends. Our music tastes are almost extreme opposites so car rides are lots of fun (my favorite music group if the Backstreet Boys. It was in high school too but I was too ashamed to admit it. If you like pop even a little bit and you haven't heard their work since getting back together, then you're missing out. So much better than their 90's work). So no, I haven't changed my interests to try to "impress" him. Yet, I firmly believe we are more happily married than at least 90% of the couples I know (But that is another post for another time).
So in being myself I gained what I wanted in the first place: great, lifelong friends and a boyfriend turned husband. I also gained such incredible freedom in just allowing myself to be.
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