1 Year Ago

One year ago today, May 7, 2013, we found out officially that we had lost our angel baby, our second baby. It was early in the pregnancy, but we had known for a few weeks and were very, very happy and excited about the baby. May 5-7 were the hardest days of my life. Those were the days I suspected miscarriage, had a Dr. appointment, and then received results from the tests confirming the miscarriage. 

As Mother's Day approaches I snuggle my two boys a little extra. With each snuggle I send snuggles up to our Angel Baby. Last year I truly feel like God was preparing my heart for the loss. I had a "feeling" from the moment we found out that something was different about the pregnancy. I had been learning all about God's plans and his providence in my devotions. I had peace through my grief. I knew I would never hold my baby, but that Jesus was holding my baby and that was such a comforting thought. It still is. I am jealous of both of them, of Jesus for knowing and loving on my Angel Baby and my baby for meeting Jesus before me. 

I am so thankful for both of my boys. We were blessed with two very standard pregnancies and low stress, non traumatic births. Both our boys have been wonderful, calm, and content newborns and so far are strong, smart, and ridiculously adorable. I am not sure why our second pregnancy happened just to lose the baby. But I do love that baby even though I never felt her move and never got to hold her (I imagine she was a girl). I feel like I can understand others who suffer miscarriage better now and can hopefully minister to friends who may experience it in the future. I would not have Daniel now if that pregnancy had gone to term. I am not sure why that baby was given to us for such a short time, but I am so very thankful for the weeks we got with her. 

Today I thought about her more than other days. I wondered how different life would be. Instead of an almost one month old I would have an almost five month old. I would possibly have a baby girl instead of a newborn boy. I don't think Jackson would have handled the transition as well if we had a baby sooner than Daniel because he was younger and less understanding of the situation around Christmas time (when our second due date was). Life would be different. 

God has a plan for our family and all three of my children play a role in that plan. I am so thankful for the life God has given me and for each of my babies.