A consistent and strong prayer life has always been a struggle for me. I say quick prayers throughout the day when I think of things, but I know I need to have more devoted prayer times. It seems easier to have prayer time when life is troublesome. God has used s few frustrating situations to force me to my knees often. I often become distracted in prayer and my mind wanders to the frustrating circumstance and I think through scenarios and what ifs and realize I have stopped talking to God. I let the worry creep in and I try to take control of the situation instead of letting God work. The past week I have had numerous situations to pray over and none of them were/are too pleasant. But God desires to be in constant communication with me and I haven't responded to the little nudges I've been feeling. It is my sincere hope that I continue on this prayer journey and develop a more focused mind and give total trust to God during my frustrating, sad, discouraging moments.
I have been learning more about myself. I have always known I am a sensitive, emotional person; but I am learning more specifically things that make me tick and things that may tick off other people. I know that certain personality types clash but I have begun to forget how to work well with those different from me. I have gotten in a rut of relating to others in my personal language. That can be misinterpreted and can cause confsuion to less emotional individuals. In college and then in the workplace I learned a lot about personality types (via psychology) and personal strengths (via strengths finder and other corporate tools). I used personality differences to enhance relationships and work together more smoothly. I have been out of those circles for so long I have gotten lazy and begin to just talk and "spew" out my thoughts and feelings on anyone and everyone. I am a fairly open book and I realize now that not everyone wants all the info. I need to pay more attention to others and learn how they need me to communicate to them effectively. In short, I need to learn when to close my mouth. I am a talker and need to learn how to be slow to speak.
As an emotional person, I take a lot of things personally. I dwell on situations and replay events and drive myself crazy trying to figure how I could've, would've, should've done things in the past. I am quick to anger and have better recalchan most so that hinders me from moving past hurts. I am actively working on learning to control my emotions and not allowing them to control me. I need to banish negative thoughts and own my feelings. It is ok to be emotional and to feel hurt and to be sad, but I need to own my feelings so I can move on with life and move forward having learned a lesson. This has proven difficult as the past week I have been trying to rid my mind of some frustrations and praying for God to remove the memory from my mind... And it works! But then the negative thoughts sneak back in before I even realize what happened! I know that keeping my mind busy with other things helps so I have been reading, playing with the boys extra hard, meeting with encouraging friends, praying praying praying. This will be s long work in progress but I have begun to take steps in the right direction. I have been resisting working on this area for years but have finally decided to obey God and move past my emotions. It is so freeing to have given up my selfish desires and to listen to God and sccept His help to cleanse my heart and mind.
My love language is quality time with a little bit of gifts thrown in there. I know I have trouble speaking other people's love languages since quality time comes so naturally to me. Today I had an "Aha moment" where I realized that most of my friends don't have play dates as often as I try to. For some of my friends text messaging and seeing each other at Bible study or church is sufficient for the friendship. Text messaging is definitely s mommy life raft at times and returned texts so often help to fill my love tank, but I love play dates so I can have good conversation with my mommy friends and feel connected to them. I never realized my love for play dates wasn't universal and that it was because I'm a quality time. Matt looked at me like I was crazy for neve putting that together before since he had known it forever. Thankfully, I have many friends who also love play dates even if it isn't their love language. Going forward though, I may slow down the play dates so I can invest in my friends how they need to feel love.
Time is short. Every one knows this, but no one knows it. My Grandma Bonnell died yesterday. It has been a journey doh her through Alzheimer's and other health issues. I am so thankful she is no longer suffering, has her mind back, and is able to talk to Jesus because she dearly loved to talk. I feel more removed than I expected since I have lived away from home for over a decade. I loved my Grandma and I am sad she is no longer here on earth. It is just a reminder that this world is temporary. Every moment should count because we could die at any moment or lose our memories or forget our loved ones.
So much pruning in my life. So much I have to learn. So many things to work on. God is growing me and I am so thankful He has patiently waited for me to respond and obey. Thank you, Lord, for second and third and one hundredth chances. I promise to try to do better and to keep on trying even when I fail. Thank you for loving me and never giving up on me.
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