When things like this happen in my life I am reminded of the worst, ugliest, most hateful thing I have ever done in my life. I am writing this as a sort of breakthrough (even though I know readership is low). I am not at the point yet to fully disclose this horrible part of my past, but nothing else in my life even comes close to this moment.
The details are a little foggy, but some parts are crystal clear. I was probably in 5-6 grade. So old enough that I can't blame it on youthful indiscretion, but still young enough that I am thankful this didn't occur when I was an adult (or even teenager). There was a girl I met who was "different" than me. I didn't like this girl. I really, really didn't like this girl. Wouldn't you know it, this girl sits right next to me out of a whole room full of kids. She does something that very specifically annoys me (and disgusts me).
Now, if my story ended here then it honestly wouldn't be all that different from teenage me. Now in my late 20's I can say (with pride) that if I encountered this same girl I would not have the same general feelings towards her as then. I have grown and expanded my knowledge of humanity in general, but high school me probably would have still been upset to be sitting by this girl.
So, she does something to disgust me. What do I do? I mutter something. Something about her belonging... Or more specifically, not belonging. I can remember a few key words from whatever I muttered and it wasn't pretty. I can hardly believe I was once so cruel and spiteful. After that day I never saw the girl again. I cannot be sure she heard me or could comprehend what I said since I spoke softly so no one else would hear me. But, I have a feeling she did hear me.
It gets worse. She and her family were visiting our church. This wasn't their first visit, but they hadn't been there long. Maybe their 3-4 visit. Again, let me emphasize that this happened at church. They didn't come back.
Now, them not coming back may have been a coincidence, but I think not. I think I had one interaction with a little girl and I showed just how horrible humanity can be. I tainted her opinion of our church and of myself. I had one opportunity and I showed the very worst part of myself. A part I can honestly say doesn't exist anymore (praise God!). I wish I could find this girl and apologize to her. I wish I could tell her how wrong I was and how remarkable, beautiful, and amazing she is. I pray she found a church with little girls with much kinder hearts than mine was. No, I hope and pray that she didn't hear me. That this all just weighs on myself and she and her family just decided to try a different church. I hope and pray that is the case.
So my most horrible moment is something I have never shared with anyone. Not my parents, not Matt, not my best friends. No one except that little girl and myself know what happened. She probably told her parents, so it expanded to the four of us. To three people I was a hateful, rude little girl who gave them a very, very poor picture of Christ. I have to live with that.
So be aware. Be aware of what you say. Be aware of what you do. Be aware of how you act. Be aware of what you think. Be aware of how you affect others.
Don't taint others view of you unnecessarily. You may live with guilt if you are like me. Or you may forever lose a relationship like the ones who have hurt my feelings. In this instance, the entire relationship isn't lost but some important parts have been removed. It's now a much more guarded, more casual relationship. It has forever been changed. Tainted.
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