The past couple weeks I have felt weighted down: spiritually, emotionally, physically, mentally. I didn't realize just how much it was all affecting me until my husband worked out a horrible knot in my neck last night and the effects were euphoric. He asked if I had been feeling more stressed than usual because this knot had caused me to be physically sick the entire day. Sounds like a migraine, but just a terrible, horrible tension headache. I said I hadn't felt too stressed except... And the long list of areas I have been stressing over surprised even me!
Today I was able to think about the past few days. In a nutshell: I committed to being more patient with Jackson throughout the day, I made a couple new friends that have great potential, and I joined a Bible study. Oh, and I have a clean house and that always helps things look brighter. Oh how different life is based on outlook!
By being more selfless and putting Jackson's needs before my own (which had been a problem recently since I'm pregnant and uncomfortable and become crabby), I have been reminded what a wonderful, sweet boy he is. I mean, he says please and thank you, he can ask for or point to the food he wants, he gives random hugs, kisses, and snuggles, he looks over at me and smiles for no reason, and he is an excellent listener. He is also so so smart. He teaches himself how to maneuver his app games on my phone and has learned all his shapes, some letters, and almost all his numbers from 0-10 that way without much prompting from Matt or I, he loves to read and has begun repeating certain words/sounds to us as we read, he can also point out all the animals mixed up and by name at the end of Brown Bear, Brown Bear and Polar Bear, Polar Bear, he learns signs for words he can't figure out how to say yet, and he watches us do things around the house and mimics us. He is generally a very happy boy and doesn't throw many fits at all. He is very reasonable for a toddler. I had been getting frustrated at him needlessly and it was entirely selfish. I now have discovered the joy and privilege of parenthood again and I am so glad my little selfish rut only lasted a couple weeks before I realized how destructive it was being.
By making new friends I am growing in confidence and giving Jack and I some socialization with other mommies and kids. It is so important to have support persons and hopefully I can find good, quality friends for us soon. Maybe the ladies I have been hanging out with recently will turn into solid friendships. Things certainly have been going well so far.
By joining a Bible study I not only have a couple hours every week of fellowship with other Christian women and free childcare for Jackson, but also have accountability in my walk with The Lord. I have a new workbook study to complete each week that will challenge me and help me stay on task with devotions. Being pregnant (exhausted) with a toddler (double exhaustion) aides me in making excuses to skip devotions for a day or two, which certainly is not helping my outlook on life. Having a daily Bible study to do will help my overall day and having weekly meetings to check progress and learn together will help me grow.
God had been blessing me greatly this week. It was so needed while I was feeling discouraged and worn down. I never doubted the Lord's providence and plan for my life, but I did feel lost in the motions and swept up in the uncertainty of the future. Specifically: dividing my love and attention between three men instead of just two (which has proven much harder than I anticipated) once Daniel is born. But I have learned to takes each day as it comes and be open to positive changes. I know Daniel will be a positive change in our family as he already has been. I am so excited for him to arrive and I know we will adjust and my love will not be divided, it will grow.
So I have a thankful heart to God for blessing me greatly.
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