Recovery

I am labeling these posts "Pregnancy" because it deals with our journey for growing our little family. While a miscarriage is obviously no longer a pregnancy, I am still trying to remain joyful of the short time we had with our baby and the time I was pregnant.

It has not been five days since I began the miscarriage process. I have read a few boards with the experiences of others. I have messaged with a few friends who have miscarried. I have told a few friends who have asked what was going on with our family. I have found that talking about our angel baby helps me cope. I do not want to play the victim card or make the world pity me, but I do want to make others aware of what happened so if my friends lose a baby someday they will know they can be open and honest with me and I will grieve with them. So during a miscarriage, find a support system. This is vital to healthy, happy recovery.

[disclaimer: slightly graphic for the benefit of those who are worried of or recovering from a miscarriage. Information I searched for to see if what was happening was normal] No one told me about the physical strain your body goes through when miscarrying. I miscarried naturally so did not need a D&C or any other medical treatments. While it was not as harsh as postpartum recovery, it did rival it. Abdomen pains as your uterus contracts. Lots of blood loss which is unpleasant in and of itself, but also makes you light headed. Be sure to remain safe while recovering- I stayed home two days when I had made plans to be sure I was not driving unsafely. For me, my lady parts swelled and were pained like my postpartum period. I was not expecting this, but I suppose in a way, I did go through a much lighter birth experience. I had to expel everything that was in my uterus, which was significantly less than when I birthed Jack, but it was a birthing process all the same. Once I realized this my recovery seemed to make much more sense- and feel more difficult.

Now, on day five, I am still bleeding but do not have abdomen pangs anymore. I feel exhausted and light headed much of the time so it is nice to be able to stay home and rest. The past two days I have woken with my son at 7 am, but lay on the couch until 11 am because I was physically unable to play with him or even just sit up without getting extremely dizzy. Allow your body to rest and recuperate. Throughout the rest of the day I am able to move around as normal, but have to rest every so often. Thankfully, Jackson has done so well playing by himself. He will come over to me on the couch every so often and ask to come up. He'll snuggle next to me and sometimes take a brief snooze. I love those snuggle moments. He gives me the love and support I need during these long days.

Now that the physical pains are subsiding, my emotions are catching up to me. I was so surprised (and feeling guilty) with how well I was dealing with the loss. I couldn't quite believe that I had that much faith in God's plan. Do not mistake me, I have faith that God has a plan for our family and that this baby was part of that plan. But I doubt that I have so much faith as to not need to cry and mourn the loss. Now I understand that I was so absorbed with the physical strain and pain my body was going through the first 2-3 that my emotions were just set aside.

Emotions come in waves. I will be sad and tearful at times, I will be angry at others that I will never hold and love on this baby. I will be frustrated with my husband's schedule (which is in no way his fault) because we have been unable to truly discuss this loss and mourn together. I will be happy when I think of the little one that grew in me for a few short weeks. I will be encouraged by others and their stories, while also becoming tearful as I remember my angel baby. Allow the emotions to come as they come. Allow yourself to go through the stages of grief.

I miss my baby and I miss having the secret of pregnancy and the expectancy that comes with pregnancy. I miss dreaming of my baby and wondering if s/he was a he or she. I miss planning how life would be like with 2 little ones instead of just Jack. But, I am pressing forward and embracing today and remembering to be thankful for the baby I do have and for the time I got with the baby we lost.