Fear

[this post was written last night as I lay in bed praying that I had not miscarried. I thought it had posted as I wrote it from my phone, but I saw just now that it did not.]

Yesterday and today can be categorized as "anxious" for me. I have been anxious. I have been frustrated. I have been scared. I have been sad.

We have a lot going on in our little family right now. A lot of unknowns that could potentially alter our future quite a bit. Many decisions to be made. Many choices that we hopefully won't regret. Lots of waiting and hoping.

This is the difficult part. But God is our refuge always. He is our strength always. He is our very present help in times of trouble always. I hold fast to this, because sometimes I just can't do anything else.

On days like today I count my blessings. It truly helps. For instance, I didn't have to get very far down on my list before I was feeling much more positive. Two points is all: Matt and Jackson.

I am so blessed to have the husband I have. He is my perfect complement. We love, we laugh, we struggle. We bicker, we complain, we forgive. We share interests and more importantly, disinterests. We have the same values and beliefs, which are the foundation of a marriage. We support one another. We serve one another. I love him. I am so very thankful for him.

I am so blessed by my little boy. Jackson is more than I had ever hoped or dreamed of in a son. He has been the perfect little addition to our family and made our transition into parenthood so simple. We often have to remind ourselves that he isn't a perfect child (he doesn't sleep through the night and has horrible separation anxiety, then there's the fussing when he doesn't get his way) but he seems perfect to us because we love him so much. We are willing to wake up at night with him. We are willing to sit in the hall at church with him (though, we haven't had to do that in the past month). We are willing to teach him to honor us when he had fussy moments. Because we love him. I am so very thankful for my little boy and cannot believe God had entrusted him to me.

Just thinking about my little family is enough to make me hopeful. To calm my fears. To remind me that God is in control.

Plus, as Jackson's car music reminded me, "He's got the whole world in his hands. He's got the whole world in his hands. He's got the whole world in his hands. He's got the whole world in his hands."