Love and Loss

We have joined an exclusive club. A club that you cannot join until you do. We have now joined the families who miscarry club. It's not a fun club to be in, but we are in good company. There is lots of support out there and lots of encouragement.

We knew we wanted babies 1 and 2 close together. I never went on birth control after having Jackson. Matt left for training so we didn't have a lot of opportunity for baby #2. That was fine. I hoped baby #2 would be around 2 years younger than Jack if possible.

We found out April 26, 2013 that we were expecting. This was Jackson's 13 month birthday. Sorry, Jack, but the new baby kinda stole your thunder. I "had a feeling" so I decided to take a test. Since i was hopeful I had a spare test in my drawer. Peed, looked down, and saw the faintest line (it is the bottom test in the picture). My thoughts, "That looks like a line. Is that a line? It's faint. Does a faint line still count? Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!" So I packed Jack up in the car and ran out to Walgreens to get more tests. Second test (top of picture) was more clear.

Dada got home and Jack went to greet him in this shirt. I bought this shirt a few months ago in anticipation of needing it. Jack should be able to wear it for at least another year so we'll hopefully get to use it anyways. Dada was so excited and happy about the new baby. We sent this picture to our parents to tell them.

This picture is the night we found out. I would be 4 weeks and 6 days. The baby was due December 28, 2013.

5 Weeks.

6 Weeks.

I did have some early preggo cravings. One night at 9 pm I really, really wanted cake. After vacillating for about 15 minutes I decided to make cake. An hour later I had a large piece of angel food cake with raspberries and decaf coffee. It was so worth while! By the next evening the entire cake was gone. Matt ate two small pieces, but the majority of the cake was demolished by me and baby.

I had one day with morning sickness. Sweets still helped calm my tummy. Dada picked these up for me on his way home.

I also really, really wanted chocolate ice cream. I'm not a chocolate ice cream kinda girl, so this is unusual for me. It was SO good and it is now gone. I ate some yesterday to calm my tummy (which was probably the beginning of the miscarriage) and today after I got home and was feeling sad.

I bought these booties a few months ago because they were just too cute. I plan on them being baby's coming home from the hospital booties. I bought this hat when we found out because they go with the booties and is gender neutral. I will save these for our next baby.

Saturday (the 6 week mark) I had a feeling something was not right. No symptoms or anything. Just a feeling, mother's intuition. I'm going to be slightly graphic for the sake of those who are worried about miscarriage in the future. Sunday I had some brown spotting. The forums I read said brown spotting was normal. Since I couldn't do anything about it I just tried to relax and not worry. By Sunday evening the spotting was more frequent and redder in color. Overnight I had to change pantiliners a few times there was some tissue mixed in with the light flow. Again, reading forums, I knew this could be a miscarriage or could be a few other things (less likely). I had slight cramping but didn't know if this was mental due to the bleeding.

I called this morning when my OB's office opened. They said I should definitely come in. I went through 3 pantiliners from waking until I went into the office at 10 am. My cramping was more severe but not as bad as a regular menstrual cycle. I hoped there was something wrong with me. I hoped I had a ovarian cyst. That there was something wrong with my cervix. That I had a blod clot in or around my uterus. Anything, as long as the baby was growing and healthy.

Below is a picture of my uterus. The uterus is thicker, as it should be for 6 weeks. The sac is developed as it should be. The placenta is still visible. But no baby was visible. The doctor said I could have already passed the baby or it could be on it's way out but no longer in the uterus. In the off chance the ultrasound didn't pick up the baby or I am not as far along as I thought, he ordered blood work.

The blood work is due in tomorrow. But now I am positive that I have miscarried. Again from the forums, my bleeding has increased and is similar the recovery period postpartum (that means a lot of blood- more significant than a regular menstrual cycle). There have been many clots and I honestly think I may have seen the cluster of tissues that included the baby. If you have not lost a baby, you cannot understand the desire to check the toilet. You want to see your baby, even as sad and difficult as it may be. I passed a larger, thicker clot that was both red and natural colored. There was a small portion that was different than the other clots. The baby would have been around the size of a pea and looking more like a tadpole than baby. So that is what I looked for. It may not have been the baby, but it definitely resembled the pictures I have seen of 6 week progress. As the day has progressed the bleeding has not stopped and my cramps are now very uncomfortable.

Either way, I am positive that my baby is now gone. I am not 4 weeks along so the baby wasn't visible on the ultrasound. The ultrasound wasn't faulty. The blood work will show lower levels of hCg. My second pregnancy has been terminated.

While I am very, very sad and I already miss my baby, I am so very thankful for the 6 weeks I was able to spend with my baby. My baby was very loved by his/her Dada and I. We were so excited for this baby and we will never forget this baby. This baby had an extremely short life, but that life was loved. Sunday's sermon was not based on children or the lifecycle, but something that was said stuck with me. Children are a gift from God. We are stewards of His children while they are on earth. This child was a gift from God to me for 6 weeks. Only 6 weeks. He/she was a blessing to me for 6 weeks. I had the privilege of carrying this child for 6 weeks. I miss this baby. I love this baby. I will always remember this baby. I will cry for this baby for probably months to come and the week of Christmas (when the baby was due) will not be fun. But I will continue on thanking God for the 6 weeks I was able to have with this baby.

I do not know why this baby did not survive. Why this baby did not implant correctly. Why whatever went wrong with this baby happened. But I do know that my God is faithful. My God is holding my baby. My God knows my baby by name. 

Jackson has been a tremendous help. He has given me lots of smiles and snuggles. He will be such an amazing big brother and I hope he has the opportunity to brother and little brother or little sister soon.