Confession

So, remember my 2013 resolutions? Two of them being: Let It Be and Embrace the Present? Yeah, there is a very specific reason for these. Sure, I should incorporate these principles into my everyday life, but there was a specific issue I need to "let be" and "embrace whatever comes".

So... remember how I was unbearable in 2011 and had obnoxious baby fever and was so depressed each month with the negative test and was so sure we would never bear a child and would then adopt? Yup, you get that version of me once again! Baby fever has once again hit and this time it is all the more frustrating because I rarely see my husband. Just as always when we are waiting for something, it seems like so many people are announcing second pregnancies right now. I heard of three in one week. I am so excited for these families and a hopeful we will be joining their ranks sometime in 2013, even if we just have a little baby bean a-growing by the end of the year.

Now, to be fair, I have the most perfect baby. He is my pride and joy and I love spending my days (and nights) with him. He is so much fun and it is so rewarding to watch him learn new things each and every day. I worry that second (and subsequent) babies may not live up to his adorableness and lovability. I worry that he may not like sharing my affections with another baby. I worry that I may not have that special relationship with him once he is no longer an only child. Yes, there are certainly two sides to consider when planning a new baby.

Plus, this next pregnancy will be much different than with Jackson. I will be chasing around a toddler, I may not be able to wean myself off coffee like I did with Jackson, I may be more stressed than with Jackson as who knows where Matt will be... but I will still be just as joyful about the pregnancy.

So, when I get down in the dumps with each negative test (yes, there have already been tests, plural) I hope I can remember my resolutions and to trust trust trust that God knows much better than I. Jackson came at just the right time. If he came sooner we would have had financial struggles. If he had come later Matt would not have been able to properly bond with him. God knew when we could best handle a baby. I know that God will bless our family with a second little bundle to love when the time is right. Whether that be in the next year or not for another three (good gracious, I hope it is not the latter). Just have faith and let.it.be.

Ok, this is my outlet. This is my confession. The end.