Sometimes you just need to remember. Tonight (1 am- thanks pregnancy insomnia) I don't need to grieve, but I do need to remember. I need to imagine. I need to let myself wander into the Land of What If. Just for a little while.
Angel Baby was due December 28, 2013. So baby would be right around 3 months old now. Jackson would have gotten used to having a little sister (I just always think of her as a girl, even though we don't know for sure), whether he liked her or not. I would have settled into a new routine with two children to care for. I would be much more tired (hard to imagine) and probably more stressed, but hopefully much more blessed as well.
God knew what was best for our family. I am so thankful for Daniel and his little life. I am looking forward to watching my boys grow up. Hopefully they are close friends their whole lives. I am so excited to share the mother-son bond with another little soul. I am just so thankful for Daniel.
But I do wish I could know my Angel Baby. I wish I could see if she looked like me. I wish I could hold her and snuggle her and love her. I wish I could sing to her to soothe her and rock her every single day.
When I think about having a 3 month old right now, I honestly don't know how that would have gone. Obviously we would've had the full 9 months of pregnancy to prepare and we would've lived life differently. But it honestly is probably much better for our family as a whole that Daniel is due when he is. It gave Jackson more time to grow up and us time to prepare him, as much as his little not-quite-two-years-old mind can comprehend. Overall Jackson is sleeping much better than before so I have gotten more rest and time to catch up on sleep before the newborn phase again. Matt has been able to ease into his new position and career (since this is our first duty station) without the added pressure from home. I would have missed my dear friend, Savannah's, wedding in January. Finances would have been more tight than they already are (but we still live very comfortably with more than we need) and for longer while we await Matt's promotion. Life would have been equal parts wonderful with a new baby and difficult with all these other factors.
Daniel really is arriving at a pretty perfect time for our family. It was the same way with Jackson. Proof that God knows what is best. Does that mean that God nipped Angel Baby's pregnancy in the bud? Not at all. God would have provided for us in all areas had that baby survived. I have absolutely no doubt about that. He would have blessed our family through that process as He has blessed us through this pregnancy. But God knew what was best for our family. I don't know for sure why we went through the pain of a miscarriage, but I do know that it had helped me understand the loss so many of my friends and relatives have gone through. It has helped me understand better my thoughts and feelings on life and conception. It has taught me more about being a mother than either of my sons could have on their own.
Does that mean I am thankful for the experience of losing a child? Thankful may not be the right word or feeling. But it is reassuring knowing that God knows my family. God knows our needs. God hears our prayers and sees our tears in times of trouble. My Angel Baby received love and care and snuggles. She is being held by Jesus! That thought makes me jealous of her and of Him. But if I cannot hold my baby then I can't think of anyone else I would rather have hold her for all eternity.
I said I did not need to grieve tonight. I got much more emotional than I expected, but I don't think it's grief I am feeling. This may very well be part of the extended grieving process, but I feel very full when I think of my Angel Baby tonight. I just need to remember her. I need others to remember her. I need her existence to be acknowledged, even if just in a mention every so often. Sometimes I just need to stop and think about my lost baby.
I love you, Angel Baby. Your mommy loves you and misses you so much.
{if you haven't experienced a miscarriage then you cannot fully understand the feelings of a mother who has lost a baby. Just as I cannot fully understand the feelings of a mother who lost a baby further along in pregnancy, or have birth to a still born baby, or whose baby/child has died prematurely (in my mind, that means when a child- even if they are an adult- dies before the parent). I can try to imagine their grief and sorrow, but I cannot. If you haven't experienced a miscarriage then do not judge those who have. Do not belittle their feelings, emotions, or their need to just remember. If you have not experienced a miscarriage then some of my words may seem silly or exaggerated. But this post is much more fluid, open, and honest than most of my other posts. This comes directly from my heart and I write as I think. No edits. So if you have not experienced a miscarriage, then do not assume you understand how it may feel and what an appropriate grief period or response is to the death of the unborn child. Because there is no correct timeframe in this situation. There is no standard to go by. There is just a mother without a child.}
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