Comparison, for me, works in two directions. First, I compare my life, my belongings, my family to those who I covet. I think that, for the most part, these peoples' lives must be so much easier because they have ____, or they can do _____, or they don't have to deal with _____. I look. I compare. Discontentment rises. I try to mirror their lives as much as possible. I cut my hair like hers- but it doesn't look right on me, I put together outfits styled like hers- but my body type is different so it doesn't work well, I decorate my house like hers- but I don't have enough money for all the decor I want or I can't find it thrifted so it looks "cheap" instead of "vintage". Etc etc etc. I have become much more content with my life, but more on that later.
Second, I compare my life, my belongings, my family to those who I consider to have less than I have. Less material wealth- which is ridiculous in and of itself, less common sense, less education, less morality- har har. Yes, I am guilty of stalking others to make myself feel better about my situation. In my head I degrade others to build up my confidence. While I know this is wrong, I try to (unsuccessfully) justify it by being "thankful" for what I have {that they don't}. While I may not be the most stylish, the most beautiful, the most fit individual... At least I'm not like that person! Yes, this second area of comparison generally revolves around appearance, but also extends to material too- just not as much.
Open and honest. This is my struggle.
The most ridiculous part of all of this? In the past 2-3 years I have become very satisfied with my life. No one understands me like Matthew. Our marriage has brought us through highs and lows, but I never doubted our relationship. It is a solid foundation no matter what else life throws at us. Not to mention, he's ridiculously good looking. Jackson has been such a blessing of a child. He has taught me so much about myself and helped me to grow into a far better person than I was before he entered our lives. He has shown me a different side of love by revealing a mother's love for her child to me and a son's love for his mother to me. My heart is expanded because of him. I cannot wait to grow more in love once Daniel is born. I have so much love for him already, but it will be overflowing once he is born and I can see him and hold him and know him. I love my job. Being a SAHM is so much better than working in an office or traveling around the country (which is what my last employment was- and I enjoyed it at the time). This is such a blessing because so many do not have the option to stay home with their children. I am able to invest in my children and teach then and nurture them and also be blessed by their little hearts and minds. I am a much better person for being a wife and mother. Army life suits our family. Matt is excelling at work an he is happy. Our income allows us to live comfortably, which is not a requirement for a happy life but sure does help. All of our needs are met and most of our wants. Army life has changed a few things in our family system that we didn't even know needed fixing until we had to adjust to a new lifestyle. We are so much happier and emotionally healthier now as a whole. I am blessed with a wonderful and supportive family, both mine and Matt's. I have wonderful friends from high school, college, work, and now the Army. Truly, I have amazing friends and I am so thankful for them in my life even if we are now hundreds of miles apart.
Most importantly, I have never been as sure of God as I have been the past couple years. Growing up going to church and a Baptist school my whole life (Preschool through Graduate School) had given me a good knowledge of God and the Christian life. I had plenty of "aha" moments in my walk at various stages and have generally felt I was growing closer to God. But I feel like I finally understand just how freeing salvation is. It is not a chore to obey God. It is not limiting my life. It is not taking away worldly pleasures. Those are things I used to think when making decisions. I would know what was right and wrong, but I would have such a strong desire for the wrong that I would groan and pout when I didn't fall into temptation. But now I [mostly] don't feel that way. Now it is a joy to follow God. Now I understand what others would mean when they would say how easy it was to live for The Lord. I used to think to myself that people were lying and just saying that because it's what you're supposed to say. But no, now I get it. Hmmm, I'll try to articulate this in another post sometime because it deserves more of an explanation. But basically, I feel so free in The Lord. Yes, I stumble. Yes, there are temptations that still make me feel like I'm missing out. But those are much less than the joys I receive from God just for life. Just for life.
So, my not-so-nutshell version of my life, I have a wonderful life and I have been so blessed. Yet, I still struggle with comparison and it baffles even me with why. I've always been an insecure person, maybe it stems from that. I am most generally a people pleaser (except for people who annoy me) so maybe it stems from that. I could just be a dirty, rotten person. But it is my biggest struggle. I want that to change. I want my heart to change. I want to rejoice with others in their triumphs and mourn with them for their losses. I don't want to envy their triumphs and smirk at their losses.
I have been struggling with comparison recently in a couple different ways and it just needs to stop. So here is my public confession and my vow to work harder on stamping this trait out of my life.
Comparison and discontentment? Ain't nobody got time for that! I have life to live, and a pretty amazing one at that! So help keep me accountable if you notice me falling back into my comparison slump.
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