Reminders

Here I thought I had been doing so well. I was enjoying time with Jackson, reading my Bible for encouragement, cooking lots of new foods, and excited for the possibilities in the coming months. Keeping busy and feeling pretty content with life overall. 

Then a little reminder of what I lost snuck in there. I was warned that it would come suddenly and emotions would fly high. That is to be expected, I suppose, but it still takes us by surprise when it happens. 

A friend just announced that she's expecting this Christmas. As my due date was December 28, we would have had a Christmas baby also. While I am happy for her, I can't help but feel horribly sad for myself. I feel empty. I feel worn down. I feel longing. I feel injustice. 

She and I would have been pregnant at the same time. I know they were not trying. So while I was losing my baby she was probably just learning about hers. We both had surprises last month, but of a very different nature. I had planned on doing the social media announcement around the 4th of July. So we were going off the same timeline. But something went horribly wrong and now our Christmases will look very different. 

So now I am sad. I am missing my little one who should be developing inside of me right now. I am missing all the joy that would come with the first kick and the pangs that would come when labor began. I am missing holding my baby and cooing to her and rocking her to sleep. I am missing the bond that only a mother and child can form. I am missing my angel baby. 

So today I was rocked. I was reminded of what I have lost. My heart was re broken. 

Now to work towards mending it again and looking forward.