No, I am not crying for the animals themselves, though I do feel bad for their fear and the probable loss of their mothers. I am crying for my children. What?
Sometimes I think about Jackson being afraid. I hate the fact that he has fears already in his little life. He doesn't like it dark scenes in movies, like the scare simulator in Monster's Inc. He doesn't like waking up and being alone, he's used to me being right there next to him. He doesn't like the creatures in Matt's video games (can you blame him?), so we've had to make rules about certain game play. I hate the wide eyed look of surprise when he first sees something that scares him. I hate the furrowed brow and whimpers when he runs to me and crawls hastily onto my lap. I hate the anxious cry in the night when he has a bad dream and can't shake the feeling that it was real, whatever it was. I hate that my child has fears and that I can only do so much to take them away.
But I can help take them away. I can hold him. I can sing to him. I can kiss his cheeks and rock him until he calms down. I can always make myself available to him because right now I am his solid rock. Right now I am his constant. Right now I am his happy place.
Then I wonder what would happen if something happened to me. What would become of Jackson if I died or was unable to care for him. He would be hurt and confused and afraid. He would look for me and not be able to find me. He would feel alone and abandoned and his fear would double, triple, quadruple. His whole world would be altered and he wouldn't know how to go on.
That makes me feel so empty. That thought makes me hurt for him. That thought makes me pray that nothing happens to me, not for myself but for the sake of my baby. His fear brings me so much pain that I cannot help but cry at the thought of it. I do not want my child to ever have to experience a pain like that. I do not want him to feel alone and afraid.
I know that he would adjust. He has a very capable and loving Daddy. He loves his Daddy and knows he is safe with him. He would soon go to Daddy with all his hurts and fears. He has loving grandparents who would help and support him throughout his life. If Matt were to go with me, then we have 4 guardians in line who will love Jackson and care for him as we would. I know he would be fine, but I don't want him to feel that pain even for the transition period.
Now with Daniel on the way, I feel this sadness doubly. I do not want either of my babies to ever feel hurt or alone. I do not want then to have fears. I want to take it all away from them so they are carefree and happy all the time.
Seeing that picture made me imagine my children running from their fears. My children not knowing where to go or what to do. My children missing their Mumma and seeking comfort from any avenue they could. My heart hurt for my babies and I hope and pray they never experience that.
This is one of the areas that God has used parenthood to teach me more about Himself. He wants to remove all my doubts and fears and pains. He wants to be available for me at all times for any of my needs. He wants to protect me each and every day. I just have to allow Him to do so.
Ironically, I have my Bible study book open right now and it is discussing the new heaven and new earth. God will wipe away all tears. He will remove all fears. He will comfort us always.
Thank you, Lord, for teaching my heart. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for my boys.
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