Thankful In The Struggle

Sometimes parenthood is a struggle. For me, honestly, it is not an every day struggle. For that I am extremely grateful. More often than not Jack fills my day with joy-filled moments and I marvel that God has allowed me to be his Mumma. How very humbling! But Jack is growing older and with that comes more independence and pushing of boundaries. He is learning and that is both a wonderful and horrible process. He is learning how his toys work and what words mean, but that means when the toys don't work (i.e. When he can't get the toy work because sometimes toddlers are clumsy) or when words fail him then he gets frustrated. These have been the moments recently when I need to take a Mommy-time-out. Both for my sanity and for Jack's safety- er, well being. 

Sometimes I have to remind myself that he is growing up and part of that process is throwing fits. No, that doesn't mean I allow him to throw fits whenever he wants or that I just sit back and accept that behavior. But it does mean I have to be aware of my reaction and how that affects Jack. There are times I have lost my temper and raised my voice at him or swatted his hand when he has thrown a toy and he has looked up at me with the most sad expression. Then I am extremely remorseful for my lack of control and just want to snuggle Jack. Thankfully, he is a snuggler and is very willing to just curl up in my lap- even after I've scolded him. Jack had taught me so much about patience and I am definitely a work in progress in that area. But even when he has been screeching all morning, throwing toys all afternoon, and telling me "No Mumma" all evening; I still must be thankful for the privilege of teaching him to use his inside voice, to be gentle with his toys, and that Mumma is the boss. 

Now, part 2 of the struggle of parenthood. Daniel. Yes, I already have some grievances for my little unborn son! Daniel Watson, must you practice your flips and flops right when Mumma is trying to fall asleep? Must you remain active for 2-3 hours right at bedtime? Must you sit so low that you make Mumma feel like she has to pee every 5 minutes when she definitely doesn't? Must you constantly kick your brother away when he snuggles? Daniel is not as active as Jack was in utero, but I feel like this pregnancy is wearing me out. The belly is sore. Jackson loves to lay on top of me and that is super uncomfortable but I love his snuggles. My limbs generally feel like dead weight even though I stretch. My tension headaches just don't seem to have a cure. I am exhausted day in and day out Jo matter how much sleep I get or how long of naps I take. 

But, then I recant all my pregnancy complaints. Because pregnancy is hard on a woman's body. This is common knowledge and I have been here before so I knew what I was getting into. God had allowed me to carry three babies and so far two of those have been successful pregnancies. That is such a miracle in and of itself. My sister has been unable to carry a child of her own and we have talked about what a difficult struggle that is for her. I have a friend who is currently struggling with what appears to be infertility and when I found out I was pregnant with Daniel I actually felt a little guilty since she and I had been talking about her struggles right around that time. Having waited so long to conceive Jackson I knew how difficult it is when others announce pregnancies and you so desperately want to be pregnant as well. So I feel bad about complaining about these typical pregnancy symptoms when I am so blessed to be able to carry my children. For all the pains and struggles that come with pregnancy, I know what it feels like to have my baby swimming around inside. I know what it's like to hear the heartbeat at each appointment and the anticipation of an ultrasound. I know how amazing it is to feel your baby growing inside you for 10 months. Some women do not have that experience and they would rather have a pregnancy with 24/7 sickness the whole time than no pregnancy at all. So again, parenthood is humbling. God chose me to carry Jackson and Daniel and he chose my body to go through these changes.

Parenthood is not always snuggles and kisses. Parenthood is sticky jam hands getting all over your favorite cashmere sweater. Parenthood is learning how to properly discipline yor toddler so he understands and doesn't fear you. Parenthood is always choosing love. Parenthood is a weighty responsibility and such a privilege. I am so thankful for my boys and sometimes I just need to be reminded of that.